


Impossible Soul

by westminster



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but doesnt really, connor writes fanfic, hell dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 08:35:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westminster/pseuds/westminster
Summary: Elder McKinley records all of his hell dreams. This isn't great when they end up in the hands of Kevin Price, and he finds himself learning more about Connor than he'd like to.





	Impossible Soul

**Author's Note:**

> The title is stolen from a wonderful song by Sufjan Stevens.  
> Also, this story contains a grave overuse of italics, I'm a mess. Be warned!  
> *  
> One of my friends is a Mormon and I had her fact-check all of this so I don't have to be blamed for my complete lack of religious knowledge! Thank you Jodie, I am forever in your debt.

 

It was the most important event in the calendar year in exactly thirteen days, three hours and twenty-eight minutes. Kevin Price definitely wasn’t counting. The other elders had thrown themselves into a frenzy, panicking because of the unavailability of birthday banners in Uganda for Connor McKinley’s birthday. 

 

It was this latter fact that had Kevin especially frightened. The only things within a five mile radius of them was mud and sticks. Elder Price could absolutely not give Elder McKinley, world-class mission leader and the sweetest person that Kevin has ever met, a stick as a birthday present. 

 

Nabulungi suggested something homemade, showing him the wreath of rotting leaves and plants that Arnold had made her as a token of his love. At least the guy tried, Kevin thought miserably. Elder McKinley deserved something of the highest quality, and no matter how good Connor says Kevin is with a needle, he knows he needs something a little more impactful than a homemade memento. 

 

*

 

The elders sat around the dining table, having finally ushered Connor away with a little help from Nabulungi. Kevin wasn't worried about the breaking of the rules in this case - a small lie didn’t count if it meant making the greatest elder he's even seen (discounting himself, of course) immensely happy. It had been Arnold’s responsibility to tell Kevin about this meeting, which is why the usually pristine Elder Price arrived ten minutes late, panting and dishevelled. 

 

“I- I’m sorry,” he managed to get out in between deep, hurried breaths, “Elder Cunningham onl-”

 

Elder Church grinned at him, showing off his dazzling array of white teeth, “it’s okay Elder! You’re here and that’s what matters! We’re making a list of things we want our local churches to send us to celebrate Elder McKinley’s birthday. Got any ideas?”

 

The list was passed from boy to boy until it reached Elder Price at the end. It wasn’t the most effective method of transportation, but all the boys felt involved in the task, and that’s what mattered. He scanned the list tentatively, finding it covered all the usual birthday supplies, including various gifts for the elders 

 

_My signed copy of ‘100 reasons to be faithful: why Mormons are headed for heaven’ by William Preston_ \- that was Elder Michaels, Kevin assumed. His parents were socialites in the religious world and Michaels had bored them to death with tales of all the various church leaders he had met and the wisdom they had taught him. Connor, an avid reader, would absolutely freak out when he saw the present - Preston was becoming quite a well-known name, and everyone knew that Connor was a huge fan.

 

_A box set of Disney DVDS_ \- that could be any of the elders, Kevin thought, Connor’s obsession with Disney wasn’t exactly a secret. But, it was a damn good gift and it left Kevin feeling like terrible person for not thinking of it sooner.

 

_Monopoly_ \- now, that one was going to cause a riot. Even the Elder’s aim to please Heavenly Father at every possible minute wasn’t safe from Monopoly. Someone was bound to throw a fit. Kevin secretly accepted it would be him, losing was something he just wasn’t accustomed to. 

 

Elder Price let out a guttural sigh at the quality of the presents, knowing there was no way he could compete with this level of gifts. He passed the sheet back to a confused Elder Church and mumbled something about having all the bases covered.

 

“But what about your gift elder Price?” Elder Poptarts says, raising his eyebrow slightly.

 

Kevin falters, scared of appearing like a terrible friend who can’t think of a good enough gift. 

 

“When are you sending the letter off?”

 

“Tomorrow morning, bright and early at 6’o’clock sharp.” 

 

“Oh!” Kevin said gleefully, masking the wave of panic that was sweeping through his body, “well that gives me time to deliberate then! I’ll let you know when I’ve done.” 

 

Kevin used this as his cue to stride out of the room, pacing through the mission centre with a face of grave worry until he realized that his subconscious had taken him to Elder McKinley’s room. 

 

_He couldn’t... could he? Surely just having a quick peep for gift ideas wasn’t anything sinful? And it’s not like he’d get this chance again - Elder McKinley caught up with Nabulungi’s errands, the other elders most likely spending hours deliberating on the colour of the banners..._ Before he let his mind draw up a whole pros and cons table, he barged into the room.

 

It was empty and bare and completely identical to his and Elder Cunningham’s room. Each Elder was allocated a bedside table to store keepsakes and various person items in, so Kevin headed to the nearest one. 

 

_Hmm, cologne, a copy of the Book of Mormon, naturally, sheets full of laminated hymns, a screwed up ball of tinfoil, old photos of an assumed distant relativ- Wait, the tin foil. That counted as interesting, right?_

 

Kevin delicately opened the ball, careful not to rip it - Elder McKinley could never know he’d been here, Kevin knew he couldn’t deal with the shame of it. He could see it now: those gorgeous doe eyes wide open, paired with a comical frown as Elder McKinley repeated the infamous line, “I’m not angry; I’m just disappointed.” No matter how many times Connor repeated it, those words always managed to awaken deep, gushing rivers of guilt inside of Kevin, making his heart ache. Even though Kevin lives his life through the Book of Mormon, there is one thing he’d like to add to it. Disappointing Connor McKinley is the most grievous sin one could commit. 

 

He unwraps the ball anyway, to find tiny pink flakes that glisten in the light and a few sprinkles. Kevin feels like an idiot. Of course, these are the remnants of one of Elder Thomas’s prized poptarts. He’d been looking in the wrong draw all along.

 

Hastily, he rearranged Elder Thomas’s possessions, feeling a little guilty about disrupting his mementos. _Why didn’t he feel the same about going through Connor’s things? Was this clear abolition of the rules driven by an insane need to outshine the other elders via Connor’s birthday? And was it really because he wanted to outshine the other elders or was there more to it than that - a deeper, more personal reason? A reason that his parents had tried to force into a little, controllable box. Love._

 

He rushed to the adjacent cabinet, his movements becoming rushed and shaky, working quickly before his brain could process his actions and stop them from happening. 

 

The main contents of the drawer were covered by a hefty pile of paper, which Kevin immediately leafed through. The disappointment hit when he realised they were all from the mission president, mostly detailing financial information. When Kevin graduated, he vowed to never do even the most banal of maths equations so the complicated figures sent a shudder down his spine. Mrs Durham’s algebra class was definitely not something he wanted to remember. 

 

He cast the documents aside, rifling through the feathers and the postcards and that god awful harmonica that Elder McKinley brought out at parties. He’s in the middle of reading through a postcard from Connor’s parents in Canada when he hears a familiar voice from the corridor.

 

“Elder Cunningham! I positively have no gosh darn clue where Elder Price has disappeared to. Now if it’s too frank of me to ask, why don’t you go back to the other Elders and let me grab those pesky letters from the mission president!” 

 

Kevin knew that voice anywhere - Elder Thomas. And he was speaking in the tone only reserved for when someone was truly annoying him. Kevin’s breaths became rapid and shallow as he realised he was completely and utterly screwed.

 

In a moment of blind panic and sheer adrenaline, he threw himself under the nearest mattress, furiously tugging at the covers in a desperate attempt to conceal himself. It was just in time too, as Elder Thomas came crashing through the door whistling a tune that Kevin vaguely registered as some ancient sort of hymn.

 

Helplessly trying to regain control of his breathing, he squeezed his eyes shut and listened as he heard footsteps approaching him, then rustling sounds and footsteps again that became quieter and quieter until Kevin finally thought it was safe to let out a deep sigh of relief. He pried his eyes open, and laughed at whole absurdity of the situation. He was here, hiding from the other Elders, breaking plenty of rules, staring at the bottom of Elder McKinley's bed which- _wait, what's that thing trapped between the beams supporting the bed?_ It was square-like, completely black and shoved so far up there that Kevin thought he’d have no chance pulling it out. 

 

He thought it was some kind of board from Elder McKinley’s expansive collection of board games at first, although whatever it was it would surely be something personal for Connor to hide it this well. He debated whether he should go anywhere near it for what seemed like forever. He knew that this was a line that if he crossed, he could not return to the other side unscathed. 

 

_Hey, but then again, it could be something of nothing. Something irrelevant that Connor had put there and forgotten all about it. Plus, he was this far into his little adventure that he couldn’t stop now, without any results. And this thing might actually hold some clues._

 

There - he’d look at it. Quickly, of course. But he’d look at it nonetheless. He’d decided that he would cope with the guilt by ensuring he realised that he was doing this for Connor. Connor couldn’t hate him for it because Kevin was going through his things for Connor’s benefit. Right?

 

He pulled and pulled on the mysterious item, soon realising that it was a journal of sorts. There were numerous pages that were ripped and torn, creased and damaged and stained with marks that looked uncannily like tears. 

 

Once he had finally released it from the bed’s firm grasp, he sat on the floor instead of the mattress in a subconscious effort to subside the guilt by avoiding such a personal item as a bed. The notebook, now that Kevin could inspect it properly, was a stark contrast from the bubbly, organised Elder McKinley that he knew. The book was a deep black, embellished with crease lines that could have only been made by someone violently screwing it up. _Was this really his?_ Kevin had never seen Connor touch anything that wasn't freshly cleaned or in the greatest condition. 

 

Fuelled by the knowledge that he didn't possess the strength to leave this mystery unsolved, he opened the book tentatively. Palpitating slightly, he ran his calloused finger over the word at the top of the tear-stained page.

 

_Steve_

 

He didn't think it was Elder McKinley's writing at first. It was scrawly and near illegible, with ink blots covering various words: absolutely nothing like Connor's current handwriting which is practically calligraphy, in Kevin's opinion. As he reads, he can feel beads of sweat begin to form on his palms. There's no point denying it - his actions are wrong, sinful and unholy. The thought of another Elder interrupting him now sent a shiver down his spine. Still, he read on, almost reluctantly.

 

_'me and Steve are at the beach Ma used to take me to when I was a toddler. we buy ice cream from the nice man and sit eating in on our Disney princess towels (I have sleeping beauty and he has Mulan) I accidently get a blob of ice cream on the tip of my nose. I blush and go to wipe it off. steve grabs my hand and whispers, “no” before licking the ice cream off my nose. my body goes all funny and I just want to touch steve. but then the sand starts to disappear and i find myself sinking lower and lower into the dark red horrible red place full of unhappiness and no steve. its not good.'_

 

He could almost feel the bout of hell dreams that he'd experience after reading thi- _wait! Dark horrible red place? Oh no, these were Connor's hell dreams._ Kevin had heard of some Bishops suggesting this as a kind of therapy for those followers struggling through some of the more err- difficult parts of the Book Of Mormon, but he'd never actually met anyone who had adopted it. 

 

Kevin felt his breath hitch, taking deep gulps of air as he debated whether he dared to go on. Although this was breaking all his morals, those morals were loosely held anyway, and there was absolutely no way he could stop now. He lusted for that kind of self-restraint, the lack of which was why he ended up here, after all.

 

He felt embarrassed reading through fifth grade Connor's fantasies, so flicked passed the twenty or so entries titled 'Steve', noting the wondrous evolution of Connor's handwriting. The next one is labelled 'Justin' and Kevin can't help but be intrigued. 

 

_'I inspected Mrs Finch-Hollande's collection of little angel figurines with a great deal of boredom as I willed the lecture she was giving me and Justin on how heavenly father wouldn't be pleased about us neglecting bible study to stop. I caught the phrase, "...this act will only ensure that your soul won't get to heaven quick enough!" I realized that Justin was looking at me from the corner of his eye. He put his hand on my thigh under the table, concealed by the lace table cloth. I gasp, then try to cover it up with a cough. It wasn't very effective, but only received a raise of the eyebrow from the woman. "I know an act that will get us into heaven straight away," he whispers before kissing me harshly and I realise that the sweetness of his dark lips was everything i ever needed. My train of thought was cut off by a deep cackle and then Mrs Finch-Hollande's skin is turning bright red and her hair is falling out to make way for two huge black horns and he's towering over me, taking his trident in his hand and positioning it so the tip is right against my chest. I'm crying very hard and Justin is no where to be found. I need Justin. Why can't I find Justin?'_

 

There were only three entries for Justin, compared to the magnitude of shameful smut that Kevin had to sieve through for Steve. He makes the quick deduction that Connor’s apparent short love of Justin is why he’s never been mentioned before. 

 

The next entry is titled Bishop Phillips, which made it clear why that crush was never brought up around the dinner table. Wow, Kevin new the kid was a bit quirky, but a crush on a Bishop? That was unheard of. Kevin just hoped that this bishop looked nothing like the ones he had been raised around - decrepit octogenarians with greying hairs, dark frowns and rat-like faces. 

 

_'"_ _Connor, do you need to talk to me about something?”_

_The Bishop looks at me, his eyes are so dark that I do more than drown in them, I choke and splutter in their murky depths. They exhibit a soft, consistent feeling of warmth and comfort and home. They’re overpowering me, I can only shake my head in disappointment, the words catching in my throat._

_“The last year of middle school is awful, I know. I’m here for you, Connor, you can tell me anything.”_

_It’s the way that he stretched out the ‘anything’ that catches me off guard and I find myself biting my bottom lip in response. His hand ends up on my thigh and before I know it he’s leaning closer. I can smell mints on his breath. Those eyes catch mine again. “You know that, right?'"_

 

Kevin closes the book, but leaves his finger to mark the page. It’s just hit him, how wrong this - all of this - is. Unable to bring himself to finish the entry, he calms his breathing a little bit and makes sure the cheery giggles of the other elders can still be heard. Finally composed, he skips all of the Bishop’s entries and past Connor’s many college crushes which all seem to fade into one another to the next one - _Peter._

 

It’s not the name that interests Kevin, it’s the first line that makes him unable to skip this entry. 

 

_'We’re in the mission hut, the heat of Uganda finally getting to us as we pack away the game of Clue. The other elders have retired to their beds early and it’s just me and Peter left._

_“Elder Toly! Will you pass me those cards please?”_

_He catches my hand as my fingers close around the cards, pulling me closer, in a ballroom dance-like stance. My arms instinctively drape around Elder Toly’s waist and I squeal slightly as his nose touches my neck._

_“Peter!”_

_“Connor...” he mumbles, too busy licking and nipping at a soft spot on my neck. I need to get away, I want to push him away - do I want to push him away? I find myself leaving him there, unable to even respond to his actions, though my reluctant delight is noted by the growing arousal in my pants._

_Then it’s hot, and all I can register is scorching fire. It burns all up my arms and into every crevice of my body until I can feel the fire and the warm and the sin inside of me, clogging up every orifice.'_

 

He doesn’t even register it, but tears are slowly dripping down Kevin’s face. He can’t handle that Connor, who cares so much, hurts so much as well. The thing is, he’s heard the other boys talking about Elder Toly: the incredible but arrogant Mormon who mysteriously left Uganda with his mission companion because of ‘undisclosed reasons.’ However, it was scary how much the elders liked to gossip when Connor wasn't keeping a close watch over them, and the word soon got out that he left because he felt “uncomfortable around a certain member.” At least Kevin now knew who that was about. Wow, Connor has some terrible crushes, no doubt the next one is worse than the last. 

 

He plays out this reality where the next entry is about Elder Thomas, Elder Church or even General Butt Fucking Naked, knowing Kevin's luck. How he'd like to set up that couple on a first date. What he doesn’t expect is to see the word ‘Kevin’ in that gorgeous cursive lettering Connor does. 

 

As he reads, he rapidly tries to rationalise this to himself - there has to be another Kevin! There is no chance at all that literal saint Connor McKinley has a crush on the disaster that is Kevin Price. But there it is, in writing, and he can’t do anything except listen to the loud thumps of his heart in his chest.

 

' _The other elders have gone out. It’s just me. Suddenly a boy, with the neatest darn quiff you have ever seen, and the darkest deepest eyes on the whole of God’s great earth strides through the door. Confident, I note, he’s still grinning like an idiot, baring gleaming white teeth, even though I know he’s just been given the talk by Nabulungi about all the dangers that Uganda possesses. He introduces himself as Elder Price. Kevin. I fondly remember the letters the mission department sent me about a bright new recruit who could ‘definitely change the drab numbers around here.’ He tells me that his companion is busy being shown around. He leans in to straighten my tie and he smells good like lemons an-’_

 

"I do not smell like lemons!" Kevin thinks abruptly. 

 

_‘- and mints. It all happens at once: I smile helplessly and thank him. Then I’m suddenly licking a small path from the exposed skin on his neck to his jawline. The grin has become a smirk and I think for a quick second that he’s going to kiss me when suddenly he starts laughing. Then all the other elders come out and they are laughing these scary, demonic laughs. The heat comes. And it comes. And it doesn’t stop.'_

 

Kevin's lungs don't want to function properly. His hands shake wildly and his eyes sting. Connor likes him. Connor McKinley likes him. His mind plays him a sort of slideshow of every touch, every smile, every action of Connor's that lasted a little too long, was a little too friendly. He felt stupid, of course Connor liked him, all the signs were there and he'd ignored them.  

 

All the entries were quite similar, he realised as he flipped the page. Most of them were various situations involving the two, where one of the pair would end up kissing the other, and Kevin wouldn't read on after that. He wouldn't read the hell part, because it killed him to think of the pain Connor must go through, all the burning and the fire and the sin. Yes, the entries were quite similar...

 

...except the ones that weren't.

It's the love ones that really tug on his heartstrings, where Connor dreams of Kevin confessing his love to him, Connor detailing every aspect of Kevin that he loves. Kevin likes the entry where he kisses all the freckles on Connor's arms, he spends a lot of time thinking about that one. He'd always thought Connor's freckles looked like gorgeous constellations. The ones about how much Connor loves Kevin and how much Connor wants Kevin to love him back make him hate himself. Why hadn't he noticed the signs? His heart ripped in half and then into fourths as he read more fantasies of love and romance and everything Kevin ever wanted. It’s stupid and gushy and painful, he's reading like a person starved of words and he won't stop.

"Elder Price!" He hears a shrill voice cry out, and the shock nearly gives him a heart attack. He screams, a high-pitched and feminine yell, and raises the book up instinctively, ready to throw the book at the intruder.

 

"You should not be reading that!"

 

Oh no. It's Connor, and Kevin's brain shuts off in response. He can't formulate words, he just stares at the other boy, who's bright red face has begun to convulse.

 

"I'm sorry!" Kevin finally manages to get out, "I just thought it might have gift ideas in. I wanted to make sure your birthday was special, y'know."

 

"I'm sure your intentions were very good Elder, but that is _personal!_ " His voice falters a little, coming out strained. "H-how much did you read?" 

 

"All of it"

 

"Oh."

 

"Oh."

 

"So you saw...?" He can't bring himself to finish the sentence, instead choosing to look at Kevin for reassurance. His anger fades and his eyes soften. Kevin wishes Connor would go back to being furious at him. Seeing Connor looking like this - deflated, crushed and completely broken - it's so much worse.

 

"I saw," Kevin whispers, accompanying his answer with a pitiful sigh. Connor moves to sit on the floor next to Kevin, his back resting against the bed. He looked straight forward, unable to make eye contact with Kevin.

 

"You must be disgusted with me. A girl at my church told me that writing down her hell dreams helped them to be less - err - terrifying? And... and it's my homosexuality," that last word was forced out with a shudder from Connor, "that causes it. When Elder Toly transferred, I thought I would be fine, that I'd finally be able to sleep for once. Until of course, you turn up with your perfect hair and those hips and the way you smell of freakin' pinecones and lemons and  _home_. Kevin Price, you are every single sinful, ungodly thought I have ever had, how am I supposed to resist you?"

 

Kevin turned to Connor and smoothed out a non-existent crease on the other man's tie, a subconscious aim to pull the other man closer. Connor merely looked at Kevin, scared and wide eyes. 

 

"Maybe I wasn't made to be resisted."

 

The words are uttered so quietly that Connor's barely able to register them. But, as soon as they leave Kevin's mouth, Connor's lips are there, and Kevin is melting. The kiss isn't great, it's full of naivety. It's childish and confusing and Kevin can't help but love it. 

 

Just as they're starting to get the hang of the whole kissing thing, and their teeth are no longer uncomfortably clashing, Connor breaks it off looking terrified.

 

"No! Heavenly Father! The book! I can't"

 

Kevin cradles Connor's cheeks lovingly, mumbling, "we've broken like a thousand rules since we got here, what's one more?"

 

"But this... I was taught..."

 

"Shhh- if we weren't meant to do this, why does it feel so right?"

 

Kevin silences him with a kiss to his cheek, only to find it wet. A few glistening tears are trickling down his cheeks and it hurts Kevin.

 

"What's up?" He says quietly, drying Connor's tears with his fingers, smiling reassuringly. 

 

"No, this is too good. This is a hell dream. Kevin, this is all I've ever wanted." 

 

A small chuckle escapes Kevin, thankful that his actions aren't the cause of Connor's tears. Lightly, he pinches Connor, the boy elliciting a small 'Ow!' in response.

 

"That means you're not dreaming, buddy!"

 

Connor giggled too at this and as his lips reclaimed the other man's, Connor realized that he would never write another entry in that diary again. Kevin Price was true to his word, and had delivered the best birthday present that Connor could have ever asked for. 

**Author's Note:**

> want to stalk me or send me prompts?  
> tumblr: @mandelsons


End file.
